Moving On

Life has a way of showing you whe its time to move on. Even when you dont really want to somehow you just know, it time. I kow I have written about change and how hard it is and how much it can hurt before. But there is one thing in life that we will never be able to stop or control and that is change.
I have made some major changes in the last few months. None of which I regret. I know that I have doen what is best for my family. My children are what is important in my life. Their happiness is what is number one for me. They are finally happy.
As hard as leaving Bobby was I dont regret it. Yes I miss him. Yes I miss having someone there. But we finally have peace in our home. We dont have to worry about is he in a goood mood, bad mood or what ever.
We eat when we want, we go where we want, we do what we want and no one is here to criticize us for the things we do. We are in a happy place, FINALLY!!!

Better As A Memory.....

i move on like a sinners prayer
let 'em go like a levee breakswalk away as if i don't care
learn to shoulder my mistakes
i'm built to fade like your favorite song
getting reckless when there's no need laugh
as your stories ramble on break my heart
but it won't bleed my only friends are pirates,
it's just who i am
i'm better as a memory than as your man
i'm never sure when the truth won't do
i'm pretty good on a lonely night
I move on the way a storm blows through i never stay,
but then again, i might
i struggle sometimes to find the words
always sure until i doubt, walk a line until it blurs
build the walls too high to climb out but,
i'm honest to a fault, it's just who i am
i'm better as a memory than as your man
I see you leaning, you're bound to fall
I don't wanna be that mistake i'm just a dreamer,
nothing more you should know it before it gets too late
cause good-bye's are like a roulette wheel you never know where they're gonna land first you're spinning, then you're standing still left holding a losin' hand
one day you're gonna find someone right away,
you'll know it's true that all of your seeking is done
Its just a part of the passing through
right there in that moment you'll finally understand that i was better as a memory than as your man
better as a memory than as your man

I know its been a couple days...

I never knew how hard it would be keeping up on two blogs! But I am going to try for as long as possible. I may need to combine them at some point. So please bear with me. Ok on to the updates.

Today is my Grandma Rathbun's memorial service. I feel horrible that I cant go. But at least I take comfort in the fact that I did get to say good bye to her the night she passed away. She looked so peaceful, like she was sleeping. When I kissed her forehead I fully expected her to wake up. But I know she is at peace with our lord and savior. Both of my Grandmas are rejoicing with Jesus. Who could ask for more? I miss them terribly but for selfish reasons. They are in a better place, they have new bodies and there in no "C" in heaven. I know this!

I have no idea what is going on with Bobby. I love him yeah, but golly gee wiz I am tired of the moodiness! I am tired of one minute he loves me and cant live without me and then the next I am some evil bitch who he cant stand. I dont know what to do. I think he is insecure with himself and takes it out on me. He is depressed. But he refuses to get help so what am I supposed to do? I really care about him but I know at some point I will just have to move on. I dont think I am there yet though.

The hotel and b&b open next weekend. The following weekend is the opening of fishing so we are completely full. It is going to be busy busy busy that weekend. But I am excited and am looking forward to all the new and exciting people I am going to meet this season!

Hailey Update

Hailey has been suffering from this unknown rash for the past few days that has been increasingly getting worse. I called the school and they said Scarlet Fever is going around, great. Well I called the clinic and was told no it was not Scarlet Fever, that was just the ranting of a hysterically crazy mom, those were the nurses words I swear to bob! So it has been determined that Hailey has Fifths Disease, also known as the Human Parvovirus. At this point she is no longer contagious, once the rash develops they are not contagious. So the only thing now is to keep her comfortable. So she is enjoying being babied.

So Today...

So today I am taking Hailey in to the doctor because she may have Scarlet Fever. She has this awful rash that is quickly consuming her whole entire body! Scarlet Fever is Just like Strep Throat except it is on your body instead of your throat, although some people actually get Strep Throat as well. I am very worrried about her.

Well Bobby texted me on his way home to tell me he misses "us". Maybe my moving was just really hard on him and this is his way of protecting his emotions. I dont know honestly. Maybe this is just me trying to rationalize his behavior, yet again. I am so confused, still.

Today is another beautiful day here in the Eastern Sierra's. It is booty ass cold outside and all our mountains are covered with snow, it is a gorgeous sight. This truly is God's Country. The picture I have added is of Twin Lakes wich is about 15 minutes from us, absolutely stunning.

Well....

I dont know why I try so hard. I guess I am holding onto something that just isnt there anymore. The kids had a nice visit with their dad. I felt completely ignored, kinda like the third wheel on a bicycle. I dont know maybe I shoudl just give up, let go and move on. I really truly dont know. I dont want to be divorced again, I dont want to be alone (even though truly I am already). I dont want my kids to come from a broken home. But all things are leading to this. I thought when we got married that for better or worse meant just that. I thought we would always be able to work anything out. I guess I was wrong and my high hopes for wedded bliss have crashed and burned around me. I am sad for the life that I have lost. So much loss for myself in the past two months, too much. But I will survive because I am a survivor and thats what we do. I just need to make sure my kids are happy and well adjusted, that is what is important to me now. If I could drink I would open a bottle of wine a toast to myself, being alone once again.

Today

So I stepped on the scale this morning and finally, oh finally I have hit 190lbs! I cant wait to be in the 180's again, it has been ages since I have seen those numbers on MY scale, lol! Last night I had a quarter of a ham and cheese sandwich for dinner, it was good but not as satisfying as say a hard boiled egg, maybe it is the protein or maybe its just that the bread is not so satisfying for me anymore, I am not sure. I have found that I am craving and I mean really craving mustard. I have never ever been a real mustard fan but I have been eating it on everything, Meatloaf, eggs, crackers, toast etc.
Today Bobby is coming up to visit and I am making a nice dinner for them. Chicken Parmigiana, Alfredo Pasta & Butternut Squash (yum-o). I will probbly only have a bite of chicken and some of the squash. But it does sound so yummy to me. Anyway I will try and update this evening, if not tonight then I will tomorrrow. I will try and get some pictures up also. Bye Friends *waves*